I recently had a miscarriage. I am not sure how or what to
feel or say to anyone. Reading up on it
a bit I learned that 1 out of every 4 pregnancy’s ends in a miscarriage. Odds
are is that you know people (both mother and father) who have gone through a miscarriage.
So if it happens so often, why don’t we talk about it more? Why when I opened
up and told people that I just had a miscarriage is when they say, “oh yes I
had one _____”? How many others of my
friends have suffered this loss in silence?
I am breaking my silence! I wanted another baby so bad. Many
things factored into why it took so long. But when I took the test – I was ALL
smiles! I was so happy. My husband was worried about money and providing for
another mouth, but he was happy too. I
knew I was PG before I missed my period. With my last PG I had gestational diabetes
real bad. I recognized the symptoms of the gestational diabetes and decided to
test for being PG 1 day before my missed period. YIPPIE! I was PG. I jumped
into action changed into eating my last gestational diabetes diet, VERY strict,
and then I got the Dr’s appointment’s rolling. By the time I was 7 weeks along
I was on insulin again. By the time I was 8 weeks and at my first ultra sound appointment
I had 8 baby related Dr’s visits! We saw the heartbeat on Tuesday, we were so
happy! But I had already started spotting (that had never had with any of my
other PG’s) and asked about it, they looked close at the ultra sound and said
it looked like implantation bleeding making its way out.
I was very worried about a miscarriage because my PG’s are
so bad that I SUFFER through each and every day, in the short time I had been
PG it already seemed like a VERY long time. It isn’t easy, eating certain foods,
certain amount’s at certain times a day, every day. Shots every night for
months on end. It is HARD to do, but worth it in the end. I wanted to do everything I could to keep
this baby. I was told that this early on the PG will either stick or it won’t,
there is nothing to be done this early.
So I went home and prayed for more strength to be able to endure and for
the health of me and the new baby.
Friday my husband had gone to the next town over, when I began
to miscarry. I was at home, with my 2
year old for about 1 ½ hours waiting for hubby to get home, with my 2 year old
sitting on my lap as I sat on the toilet. (1 month later when my 2 yr old sees
a feminine pad he still say’s “mama boo-boo?”) I called the Dr and they wanted me to wait until
the next day to see what happens. (I argued and got in before the end of the
day) I knew it was no longer implantation
bleeding. I knew it was a miscarriage. But I didn’t want to believe it. My
husband got home, and I called my neighbor to watch my kids. She is the MOST wonderful lady in the word,
she was just coming home from the ER where she had dropped off her husband, and
had to take care of her small kids and get a baby sitter for them so she could
go back to the ER to be with her husband, I didn’t find this out until later,
she is WONDERFUL and I am so thankful for a friend like that – I love you Ali!
My husband and I got to the Dr’s office and I have to wait
in there restroom for my turn to be
scene. They did another ultra sound – no heartbeat. They took my husband out of the
room and did the DNC. To be short and
save you all from that story – It hurt, it took too long and then our baby was
gone.
Then we had to tell the family and friends who knew about the new baby.
Worst of all was telling our 5 year old that the new baby got sick and went to go
live with Jesus. Later that night, our
gold fish died too.
I didn’t get to rest or morn. We were in the middle of a
move. And it wasn’t an easy move … it was temporary. My parents bought a house
with an apartment basement. We are moving into the top of the house and fixing
up the basement. When that is done we will move into the basement and my
parents will be moving (900 miles) up here and live on top. I was still doing the inspections and
everything that needed to be done to help them buy the house. I was packing
what we would need in the next 3 months, and storing everything else, so I just
couldn’t let someone come in and pack everything for me since we were not going
to unpack everything. Then I still had my regular wife and mother duties.
And no one talks about this part at all … my husband was/is
very sad and depressed about the loss of our baby. Why don’t we ever consider
the feeling of the FATHER of these lost babies?
Yesterday was 4 weeks ago that I miscarried. Our temporary move is done (but now the work begins on the basement so we can move down there). And now I am just
spent. I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to cook for my family. I
let the kids watch TV all day and avoid doing anything I don’t have to do to
survive. My birthday was a few days ago, and I didn’t feel anything.
From the DAY we realized we were pregnant with another sweet spirit to come and bless our home, we were happy. We were talking names, where
would the new baby sleep, what baby items we needed to get (since we had sold
much of it when we moved up here a year and half ago) I had already started
buying some maternity clothes since it’s so much cheaper to get them on eBay
then brand new. I had bought a few items brand new the weekend before the miscarriage.
It was SO HARD to return them, I even considered never returning them, but I couldn’t
do that to my family, $120 is a lot of money to us, and I knew I needed to suck
it up so I could spend that money on the kids that were still with us. That
baby had been a part of our family, every day. Our whole lives had changed in 2
short months. Our eating had changed, Dr;s appointments every few days, picking
out paint for the new home with the baby in mind.
And now there is a whole in our lives. I should be finishing
my 1st trimester; instead I just had one of the worst periods of my
life. I am forcing myself to get out of bed each day and smile for my family
members. Cooking food for my family is harder than it has ever been in my life.
And I still need to get up and find the energy to fix up our new home so it’s a
nice place for my family to live.
For those who have suffered this loss, tell your family and friends,
they can help you through it, even if they don’t know what to say or to do for
you. For those who have been lucky enough not to suffer this make the effort to
tell that person you care. An “I don’t know
what to say or do for you, but I care for you” goes a LONG way for people who
are suffering from or through ANYTHING.
Please let’s break this silence! I saw our baby’s heartbeat; the baby was
alive and loved. We never got to hold our child, but its absence is felt every
day. And every day I am about 3 seconds from tears. I believe that one day we will see our baby
in heaven, but that doesn’t help today get any easier for me or my husband.
